Monday, 18 November 2013

PART 3: FEARS

I'm extremely excited to begin my journey, to begin designing, and to begin photographing my work, but it's difficult to not be terrified going into this. There are so many things I'm afraid of.

I mean, what if I really can't do it? To become a successful fashion designer is my ultimate dream. To design on the side of another career or job is not enough. When I finish college, I don't want to go out and find that there are no jobs or that no one wants to hire me. I don't want my degree and my hard work to mean nothing.

Like really, what if my designs suck? I have strange taste. It's completely likely that people won't like my work or won't see where I'm coming from. Maybe my work will only appeal to a small number of people. Or maybe it won't be interesting enough to catch any ones eye.

What if I lose inspiration? Even now, I'm finding it difficult to think of things to write about. And I'm sure there will be points in time where I won't be inspired to design anything new or take any new pictures. I won't put out any new content because I simply won't have any new ideas. It's hard to be inspired all the time.

What if I'm not tall enough or pretty enough to be a model? It's kind of silly to even ask this question, because I am actually very confident. I think I'm good-looking. But I am too short to be a model, 5'5". I'm not even photogenic, to be honest. A pretty face doesn't necessarily mean a pretty photo, or model material. I'm sure I'm sufficient enough to model my own clothing, but it would be an amazing opportunity and a huge accomplishment if I could land a real modelling job.

Another problem for me is always motivation. Some days I'll be really motivated, really focused, and ready to get everything done that I want to. Other days I'll refuse to get out of bed, mope around, and cry. These are the days that I have to force myself to get anything done, even to eat, shower, get dressed, etc. This, unfortunately, is a big part of my life right now. I'm mentally ill, and I struggle every day.

It's a big part of who I am. On one side I'm a beautiful, talented, loving, intelligent young woman. On the other side I am a very tortured person. The second side is the one that no one knows. I've spent a long time lying and making excuses to cover myself up, to make sure that nobody would ever know my secret because I was so ashamed of who I am. I didn't want anyone to know the real me, and I have been disgustingly fake. It's extremely difficult for a mentally ill person to admit this flaw, especially if they are as paranoid and not trusting of others as I am. I suffer mostly from PTSD and Social Anxiety, but also Depersonalization, some other random disorders, symptoms from all those, and a couple stupid phobias. Imagine trying to hide all of that. It's absolutely stressful to keep up your appearances and pretend to be normal when you simply are not.

My mental illness will most definitely have an affect on my work, my schooling, and my potential career. Lately I have been working through my PTSD. The littlest things stress me out, piss me off, scare me, give me an anxiety attack, or make me cry. I experience flash backs, nightmares, and insomnia to name a few things. It can make daily life very difficult. My social anxiety makes it impossible for me to make friends, and has in the past caused my grades to suffer. In high school I was too afraid to ask teachers for help. It will make it difficult for me to network, and get jobs. I am exceptionally bad at interviews. In fact, before all 3 of my job interviews, I have had an anxiety attack. I have never had a real job... And I don't even know if I have the ability to ever get a job, or to hold one for that matter.

When I look to the future, these things scare me, but somehow it motivates me even more. I have to work harder than every body else in a way. I have to go above and beyond what everyone else is doing to reach the same goal. I have a lot of things holding me back that's going to make this a million times more difficult, but I'm going to work hard because I want this so badly. I want to be the best I can be in every aspect of my life, and I'm motivated to do whatever it takes to realize my dream and to some day live a normal... no... an exceptional life. I want to do what I love and to be happy.

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