Sunday, 17 January 2016

Part 11: Myself

So I wanted to recap a little on my past year. 2015 was hard, but it has been one of my best years so far. I think I really grew up and found myself. I'll be honest, I had a lot of goals that I didn't finish, but I'm ok with it. I think what I did do during 2015 was really important.

Here are a few things I didn't do and why: My collection. I didn't finish it, not nearly, but I did start it which I'm proud of. I think I was a little intimidated. But now I've researched a lot and it all seems a lot less scary. I definitely think this is something I can accomplish during 2016, along with starting a business. I haven't become a model yet either, although I did practice a lot and do a lot of research. This one is a lot harder though because it's really hard for me to imagine myself being comfortable in front of a photographer. This is honestly like a constant battle in my head, but I want it really bad and I'll never forgive myself if I don't try.

During 2015 I also let go of the idea of going to college. I always thought I would go to college. It was drilled into my head that I need to go. But with what I want to do in life, I feel that college would be pointless for me. I always thought I would go to a fashion school, which honestly I thought would be a ton of fun, but there is no point now. I can learn everything I need to know online, or go to a sewing or business class if I really have to, and I would just be getting myself into debt that I would never be able to pay back. So not only would it be a waste of money, but a waste of time! It was a struggle for me to come to this conclusion but I'm ok with my decision now. Maybe when I'm older though I'll want to go to college for something else I'm interested in, just for fun, and to learn, like psychology or science or something.

One really important thing I did this year was get my pets. I thought I would just get one cat, but I ended up getting 2 cats and a dog! Maybe to some people this isn't a huge deal, but for me it has been life changing. I was extremely depressed before I got my cats. They have brought me so much joy and happiness. I rarely feel depressed anymore. But unfortunately my anxiety is the worst it has ever been in my entire life. I've avoided situations for so long I don't see myself being able to recover without help, which is why I got my puppy. I got him to train him to be a service dog for myself. Which yes, you can do by the way. I love my pets so much. They've brought me so much comfort, and I have this sense of responsibility now that really motivates me. I'm really happy I got all of them. The bond I have with them is just incredible and they've changed me in such a positive way.

One important thing that I learned in 2015 was about time. I learned how incredibly quickly it passes. I can't believe I'm almost 22. It bothers me that it doesn't really seem like I did anything in my 21st year of life, but I was fighting an internal battle that was extremely important. Although there is still a lot of work to do, I've learned to love myself, and to be secure with myself. I've not only started to become who I want to be, but have started to accept myself as I am, and how my past has shaped me. I'm sure anyone who is reading this knows how hard that can be sometimes. But yeah, sometimes you just need time to do that. Sometimes you just need time to think. Even if you seemingly waste a whole year doing it. Some things just take a really long time to think out!

And one last thing that I started during 2015 that I want to do a ton more is making YouTube videos and doing photo shoots. I want to keep the ball rolling and do this way way more. I love making YouTube videos so much and doing my outfit photo shoots. I have so many ideas and I just can't wait to keep doing it all! I even made two more YouTube channels because I just love it so much!

Another thing I've touched on before, which I didn't learn the first time I guess, was about pushing myself too hard. I unfortunately had to learn that again the hard way. I think I've finally learned my lesson now though! Sometimes I just have way too high of expectations for myself and when I don't accomplish everything I want I kind of freak out. So yeah, I need to give myself more time to relax, and give myself less stuff to do at a time. I'm just in this struggle between doing too much and not doing enough. I need to have reasonable expectations for myself. This is especially hard for me during holidays like Halloween and Christmas. I just want to make it so awesome I give myself way too much work to do. So I think from now on, even though it's less fun, I'm not going to really celebrate holidays other than chilling and watching some movies. I shouldn't be stressing myself so much during times that are supposed to be nice and fun. That's what I decided to do for Christmas this time and it was very relaxing. I just relaxed on the couch with some coffee and some good food, and my partner and our pets. It was great! Sometimes you just need a day to do practically nothing! I really cherish those kinds of days as an adult now.

This is a little dumb, but during 2015 I realized how much I love movies. I watched so many good movies and TV shows. Just so many amazing ones came out. I don't know, I might dedicate a whole post to this or maybe a video. I just love watching a great movie that changes the way you think about something. A movie that makes you think about it for the rest of the day. It's a great feeling.

Anyway, I feel like 2015 was the start of my life. I have power over my life and I can do anything I want. I can finally be the person I choose to be. My journey is really starting now! I hope everyone reading this has an excellent 2016. I know I will :)

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