Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Part 13: I'm Sick

This year has been awful. I was injured twice...I started off this year by spraining both my ankles. Then shortly after I recovered from that, my dog smashed my toe nail and I'm still recovering from that. And a few months ago I began my worst period of depression that I've ever had. It's been about four months, and I swear the first two months all I did was lay in bed all day. I didn't want to do anything, and I didn't want to be awake because I didn't want to feel the pain of being alive. I've had longer periods of depression, but none have been like this. I have never been so completely unmotivated. I didn't enjoy doing anything anymore. I didn't even want to go on the computer, or my phone, or watch tv or do anything that used to be fun. I couldn't even force myself to do stuff like I used to be able to. If I could somehow force myself to start something, I would usually start to enjoy it or at least get it done, but I couldn't do that anymore. So it was really just fucking horrible.

Anyway, I started an antidepressant and it's the only damn thing that got my ass out of bed and out of the fucking house. I'm only saying this because I'm tired of the stigma against medication. Antidepressants are great and I always do so damn well when I'm on them. I have so much progress when I'm on them. I start to finally live the life I want to live. And therapy is fucking awesome and everything, but antidepressants give me that first little push that I need. With how bad I was a few months ago, trust me, that little push was not going to come from within. I was also diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder, which seemed spot fucking on. Every little sound I heard made me flinch which was why it was so fucking painful to be awake. And leaving the house or the thought of being seen by another person was a huge NOPE. But thank fucking god I'm doing better now. I'm finally starting to feel a little motivated now. I'm taking care of myself, I'm getting out of the house every single day, I'm reading a great book and I'm even going to start doing yoga. I'm still not back to being my complete self, but it's a start.

So the book I'm reading is fucking amazing. It's called The Body Keeps the Score, and it's all about trauma. I'm only about a third of the way into it, so I'm not completely sure what the rest of it will be about, but so far it's all about the science behind PTSD and all the research that has gone into it. It's really amazing. There is one quote from the book that stood out to me which is this:

"The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves."

Hits the nail on the head. My greatest source of my suffering, now that I'm in recovery, are the lies I tell myself. I guess I compare myself to other people, people who are completely healthy who don't have a debilitating mental illness like me. I compare myself to them and then I beat myself up when I don't live up to those expectations. It especially has to do with age now. Like oh, someone else who is 22 is doing this and that, and I'm not! God, I'm behind in life, etc. But I need to remember that I have a disability and I'm just not going to be like other people. I have to accept this life because it's all I have. And there are so many things I want to do in life, but I really need to work on being healthy and happy first. Like making YouTube videos or working on this project or that project, though it's something I really want to do, is just not as important as recovering. So it's a constant battle with myself. I feel like sometimes I even stigmatize myself. Like I need to just tell myself that I'm sick, that's the way it is, and I need to deal with it. Because ignoring it and pretending like it's not there just makes it worse. I just get worse over the years the longer I try to push it away from me.

So that's that. I'm sick, I'm a sick person and that's just the way it is. Sometimes you just get a shitty card in life. And sometimes you get a ton of shitty cards, and that's me. But because I have a fuck you attitude, I'm not going to let that stop me. I'm going to do the best I can. If nothing else, I will strive for success out of spite. And I will get through this, I tell myself, like I always have. I'm a fighter.

I debated if I wanted to share any of this, but fuck it. If this will help anyone else, or help anyone understand mental illness more, then great. I'm tired of the stigma against mental illness, and I'm tired of only people who have a little anxiety sharing their experience. Because there are a hell of a lot of people, like me, who don't just have a little anxiety, they have a lot. A debilitating, disabling amount. So to anyone who is like me, you are not alone. And to anyone who is completely healthy:

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be Kind. Always."

This stuff is why no matter how angry I am with the world, how much I suffer, how much I hate, I will never be rude or take out my anger on someone who doesn't deserve it. I will never walk down the street with a look of misery on my face. I will never frown at a stranger. I will always be polite and kind to someone unless they give me a reason to act otherwise. Because you don't know how much that stranger could be suffering. You don't know what someone else is going through. And you don't know if you being a dick to them could be their last fucking straw. So that's why I always, at the very least, try to smile, even when I'm in so much pain. And anyone who takes their own shit out on a complete stranger can go fuck themselves because that is a damn shitty thing to do.

So all I'm going to do now is keep working on my uphill battle. Sometimes I'll fall down, sometimes I'll run miles, but some day I'll finally reach the top. That's all I can really do. I'm doing the best I can, and for once that's not just a lie that I'm telling myself.

But anyway, there's still a few months left in this year, so I still have a little time to accomplish something. No expectations. Whatever I'm able to accomplish I will try to be happy with. Again, all I want is to be healthy and happy, and anything else I accomplish I'll just try to see as a bonus. So I'll try to check back in a couple months with another update. Hopefully it will be better than this one.

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